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kozmicrose
11 February 2008 @ 10:11 pm
V-day quickly approaches, but for all the attention it gets in this household it might as well be Arbor Day. Now, to be fair, I've always been one of those girls who makes it well known that they think that Valentine's Day is a completely commercialized fake holiday kept alive by Hallmark, all chocolate manufacturers, and women who have such low self-esteem that they are willing to stake their whole relationship on the events of one measly day. But that, is somewhat of a lie. While I agree about the cards and the candy and the WHOLE relationship thing, I do think that any holiday which sets aside time specifically for something as wonderful as love deserves at least a little bit of attention.
Personally I'm hoping for just a little something. Nothing material or sappy. Maybe just a few minutes of making out, or an I love you, or a "when we get married..." type of thing. Honestly, I really want to do something romantic, like cook dinner together, or pamper the pets. I think she doesn't really believe that the things I find most romantic are the ones where we're a family, unorthodox though that may be. So we'll see.
At least things are looking up. The girl has a job interview tomorrow, and we're looking at less sucky apartments. Who knows, life might really be pretty sweet here in the new town.
 
 
Mood ring: pensivepensive
To the tune of: Queen of My Heart - Westlife
 
 
kozmicrose
06 February 2008 @ 06:57 pm
I haven't posted here in about 7 months. The combination of no time, too many obligations, and the distinct feeling that my life contains few, if any, happenings worthy of recording for myself, nevermind posterity, has caused severe journal writer's block. On the upside, I've been checking my e-mail, my other e-mail, my chat group, and my bank accounts/credit report much more frequently, so maybe it's a decent tradeoff. However, now that we've changed states, changed jobs, and pretty much started our lives over from scratch, I've again been feeling the need for some sort of outlet for my thoughts and feelings, and what better place than the annals of cyberspace. And so it goes. Another year, 25 now and still unsure of what I plan to do with my life. And so I write.
 
 
Mood ring: hopefulhopeful
To the tune of: Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
 
 
kozmicrose
20 July 2007 @ 10:02 pm
Tomorrow is going to be a rrrrrreeeeeeaaaalllly long day. So tonight, while I should probably be cleaning my apartment, I'm letting the only automated cleaning do its thing (dishwasher of course) and just chilling a little bit. On Sunday I think I'm off from both jobs, so I will clean then. I did put forth the effort to make dinner for Tink and I.

In the silly online chat group, my invisible friends are discussing pregnancy and their waning sex lives. It really scares me how in vogue it is to give birth in your home rather than in a hospital. I would be so scared. If anything went wrong and a c-section had to be performed, you would end up in the hospital anyway and you and the baby could die. I'm tired of hearing the excuse of how women gave birth for years without doctors or hospitals, but I would love to remind them all of the fact that prior to 1800, childbirth was the number one cause of death for women under the age of 50. Hello, connection? I think so. And at the same time that they're discussing their imminent pregnancies, they're also complaining that they never get to spend any time with their wives and that they never have sex and fight all the time. Why would you purposely bring a child into that? Why? I think a few of them are without a doubt too young to get married. Or have children. Just too young in general.

I'm going to buy something pretty now.
 
 
Mood ring: frustratedfrustrated
To the tune of: Rehab - Amy Winehouse
 
 
kozmicrose
18 July 2007 @ 06:49 pm
Today at work, I really rude woman yelled at me for doing my job. It made me upset. She wanted me to do something that wasn't possible given the responsibility to intellectual honesty, and not causing shrink for my company. When I tried to explain why it wasn't possible for me to do what she asked she yelled, "I don't want to hear your reasons. I don't care about your reasons. I'm leaving." Then, a few minutes later she came back to yell at me again. She wanted me to know that my company's policies were unfair and that the customer should come first and blah blah blah. I didn't even bother to try to point out that if the roles were reversed, she might see things differently. I just can't believe that she wanted to hold me responsible in this situation. What on earth possessed her of the notion that little me, dusting off a shelf for peanuts had any power over the policies of the company.

I'm mostly over it now, but I'm still a little upset. Mostly I'm upset because she made me cry at work. I hate crying at work.

In other news, for some reason I can't stop thinking about the death of Adrienne Shelley. I find it truly scary how quickly someone can be pushed to extreme violence for what seems to be almost no reason, or if any, a purely selfish reason. Violence is one of the few things in this world that scares me, really and truly scares me. I just want somebody to hold me and pet my head. I'm a simple girl.
 
 
Mood ring: sadsad
To the tune of: Tiny Dancer - Elton John
 
 
kozmicrose
15 July 2007 @ 12:46 am
That statement is true, I have seen better days. I'm not really in a bad mood though, I'm just a little grumpy because work kind of sucked tonight. I'm giving serious consideration to leaving my fulltime job. Tink found a coffee shop that's hiring managers, and I'm going to apply. Maybe I'll get it, maybe I won't. It will be sad to leave since I really do like my supervisor and he's tried to make things better for me, but when you get right down to it, they refuse to pay me enough money to live on, and if I can get a better offer, I would be stupid not to take it. And so far, my part time job isn't too bad. I don't make a hell of a lot in tips, but the people are truly nice and I think it's a good idea to keep at least one corporate job, so that when we move, I can get transferred and won't have to be looking for a job and an apartment at the same time.
In other, and somewhat more trivial news, our vacation was just as awkward as I anticipated it was, but not for the reasons that I had prepared for. I was worried that her dad wouldn't like me, or that her best friend/proxy older sister wouldn't like me, but as it turns out, I should have been more worried about her dad taking us to his favorite dive bar for a drink and getting hit on by some women who more than adequately filled out the definition of hoosier! Talk about BIZZARE. But, we did some major shopping, hung out by the pool and ate good food, so really...vacation accomplished.
Also, the puppy has been sick for the last few days. I think she may have eaten some dahlias. Stupid puppy.

Also, I think I've finally figured out what to get for my tattoo. I want to get a silhouette of a woman, done in Japanese brushstrokes. Now, I just have to find something to use as examples for the artist. It's gonna be sweet.

Also, two of our mutual friends have started dating, without any prodding from us. Because I'm the biggest dork in the world, I have this secret fantasy that they'll fall in love and we can go on double dates together. I choose not to divulge this fantasy for fear of sabotaging its possibility.

Also, tonight while driving home I had the pulsating urge to strip off all of my clothes and drive home naked. I didn't, but I did sing Sam's Town at the top of my lungs with the windows down.
 
 
Mood ring: goodgood
To the tune of: Sam's Town - The Killers
 
 
 
kozmicrose
30 June 2007 @ 10:53 pm
It's time for a bit of an update. I have begun training at my new jobby job. Part of the training included a long section about how we're not allowed to blog about our job (I will refrain from mentioning the name of my place of employ, but I don't think I would be able to keep myself from either venting or gushing about work at some point in time. There, I've stood up to the proverbial corporate "man."
My other, previously existing job continues on as usual. I continue to work harder than I should and they continue to pay me much less than what I am worth. And the sucky part is that I care! I actually seem to be mildly emotionally invested in making sure that my customers are as satisfied with their experience as I can make them. And when they're happy with my work, it makes me happy. It's really a vicious cycle like that.

Yesterday, was Hot Lips' birthday. I remembered on the day, but I didn't get around to calling her today. I'm sure she'll forgive me, and I hope to hear back from her. She is definitely one of the people from school that I miss the most. She has this uncanny ability to be so earnest without being overbearing and in times of emotional crisis and moral ambiguity, she's always willing and able to talk one through it. Here's to you sweetie, Happy (slightly belated) Birthday!

In other, more personal news, I am making excrutiatingly slow, but gratifying progress with my show. I may actally attempt to shop it to theatre companies when we move to Chicago. I also might write a book about being a stealthly, but proud lesbian. Seems like a good idea. Tentative title: "So, you think you're a lesbian; an anti-climactic coming out story"

Oh, and on the subject of Chicago, possible roommate in the works. He's a boy that Tink works with, very sweet and laidback, and also looking to move to Chicago. If I continue to adore him as we get to know each other better, the logical progression seems to be that the three of us should attempt to get a two bedroom, which apparently would save us some money, since it is more affordable to split a two bedroom three ways than to split a one bedroom two ways. And often times, more utilities are included. I could picture the three of us having a cute little place in a two family flat, with a yard in back where the furry babies can play, and a bathtub with adequate water pressure where I could bathe and meditate to my heart's content.

This has been a spastic, but informative posting.
 
 
Mood ring: calmcalm
To the tune of: Float On - Modest Mouse
 
 
kozmicrose
23 June 2007 @ 07:44 pm
Happy Pride! I'm sitting at home right now, effectively not going to pride. I wish I were going to pride but I don't have anyone to go with. I feel a little bit like a deficient lesbian. I don't need the pridefest to feel proud of who I am, but I like to support those who do and to revel in it a little bit. I spend every day of my life with everyone who looks at me for the first time assuming that I'm straight. I enjoy being in a place where 99% of the people will think on sight that I'm a lesbian. I never thought that would be the case for me. I spent the first 20 years of my life assuming that I would fall in love with and marry a man, and now I don't want that to be the case, but I really wonder what my life would have been like if I had known at the age of 15 what a lesbian really was and that it was an option to have sex with women rather than men. I think I would have become a very different person. Certainly my sexual experiences as a teenager would have been at the opposite end of the spectrum. I was the kid who yearned for Greta Garbo and Vivian Leigh. I fantasized about Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoria, and Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not.

And yet, even through four years of a liberal arts university where 35% of the population identified as queer in some way, I still wasn't capable of feeling like it was acceptable to be with a woman. Then my senior year I got burned by one and it took me two years to recover from it. Now, I'm happy, and if someone asked I would answer without skipping a beat that my heart belongs to Tink, and that I love her not in spite of the fact that she's a woman, but partially because of it. I still have trouble limiting myself to the label of lesbian, mostly because of the stereotypical imaging that is assumed along with the title, and because it feels so defining. I'm not solely attracted to women, I just have chosen a partner who happens to be one. I think that if I had married any of my boyfriends, I could have been happy, but not quite as happy as I am now.

But I still with that instead of sitting at home and typing this journal entry and looking forward to making soup and working on my stuff I were putting on a hot dress and heading to a club with my girl to dance in the middle of a sea of happy gay people. I miss dancing so much. I know I have no rhythm but I wish she wanted to dance with me.

Tomorrow we will chalk this up to the fact that I've been drinking.
 
 
Mood ring: moodymoody
To the tune of: Billy Jean - Michael Jackson
 
 
kozmicrose
22 June 2007 @ 08:29 pm
Me got another jobby job. Yahtzee.
 
 
Mood ring: gratefulgrateful
To the tune of: I'm your Little Butterfly
 
 
kozmicrose
20 June 2007 @ 07:19 pm
I have had two job interviews in the last two days. Both went fairly well I think. And now I wait. I would definitely prefer the bookstore over the coffeehouse. It pays more, I get an awesome discount, and it's close to where I work already, so commute time between 1 and 2 would be almost nil. My only worry is that I will hear back from the coffeehouse first and have to make a decision before hearing from the bookstore and then maybe not get the one I want. But, I will cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

Here's keeping my fingers crossed.
 
 
Mood ring: hopefulhopeful
To the tune of: Hello, Goodbye - the Beatles
 
 
kozmicrose
17 June 2007 @ 03:42 pm
I haven't had sunburn in 16 years. Until today. My face is very very pink after taking Toby for a walk in the park. The rest of me is the same color that it usually is, which makes it even funnier. I guess all good things must come to an end. I really hope it doesn't peel. I have enough problems with the skin on my face lately as it is. I'm not sure why at the age of 24, my face has decided to relive puberty for me. My forehead looks like it did when I was 14 and I am not happy about it.
In other news, I'm interviewing for a job on Tuesday. It's part time work as a barista at a coffeeshop downtown. I applied to work at the Border's cafe too, so we'll see what happens there. I would really like to make enough money this summer to put a dent in my credit card bill and be able to afford to take a class this fall in something cool. It would be really nice to be making tip money again too. And getting free coffee. Mmmm coffee.

Tink has a break between shows in a few weeks. I'm taking a few days off from work so we can drive down to her hometown for a visit. And stay with her dad. That part makes me a little nervous, but not nearly as nervous as meeting her best friend from high school, who I am 95% sure I will embarrass myself in front of. I'm scared that she won't think I'm good enough for my girl. She thinks this will not be the case as long as I behave myself, but the more nervous I am, the more likely it is that I will slip up and say something stupid. But I'm looking forward to eating at her dad's restaurant. She says the food is pretty good.

Also, I stumbled upon something online that was slightly odd, but also comforting for me in a way. It's a chat group online for lesbian couples getting married. I know it sounds ridiculous in some ways, but I was reading through their questions and comments to each other and it was really uplifting for me to know that other women think about this kind of thing too. Other women want to marry their girlfriends in sweet, beautiful, elegant, feminine ceremonies. It made me happy. And some of them seemed normal, not like the girls who named their reception tables after their dead cats. That was beyond macabre.
 
 
Mood ring: busybusy
To the tune of: Theme from the Golden Girls - stuck in my head